You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
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You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
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So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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