This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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