Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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