im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
