I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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