i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
