I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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