watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
