I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
