i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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