Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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