she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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