apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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