My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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