Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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