The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize