For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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