so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
