I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
