Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
