and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i think i just lost a toe
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
