Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
