There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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