today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
