i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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