I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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