He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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