I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize