What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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