i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's shark week go big or go home
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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