She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
