One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
