have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
