i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
