I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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