arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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