i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
