12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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