Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
