I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
