Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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