my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
