in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
