i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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