He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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