Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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