we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
