Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
