why didn't you poke me back
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
