i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
