I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
