come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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