I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
