i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
