I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
