I cannot find my penis.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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