I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i think my cat just said my name.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
