bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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