our cab driver is having phone sex.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
