Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
