What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
